I am a monster.

And not those cool monsters or even an interesting one...I am a mean and horrible monster.

I know that some of this is hormonal and some of it has to do w/the fact that I'm quitting cigarettes. But I can't blame it all on chemicals, natural and not, can I?

I almost put my fist through the wall tonight. Why? I asked my dad to pick me up some food when he got dinner so I could eat when I got home. He didn't. He said I had never asked him. So, I went to go make a sandwich. No bread. Peanut butter on saltines. No fucking saltines. This made me very angry. I dropped a full can of Crisco on my foot. Didn't help. Went to punch a wall...remembered how it ended last time I got in a fight w/the walls (the wall won, if you're curious). Then I did a little, um, work on my arm. I couldn't stop crying until I did something.

(Why am I writing this all down?)

Now, the left side, back half of my skull feels like it's gonna split down the middle, and I can't take anything cuz I haven't eaten.

(I'm doing this to myself.)

Best Friend and I went shopping today. She found a tape of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie soundtrack for a quarter. And I found a life-size plastic lobster that has been dubbed The Christmas Lobster. I got sparkly Santa stickers, and I glued them all over his carapace and claws. Now I need to find a little elf hat for him. He is my Christmas Lobster and, goddamnit, I think I'm beginning to feel the cheer.

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