Something is on fire.

Something wood.

I can smell smoke even when the wind doesn't blow, so it must be close. No sirens, yet. I wonder what it is? It's too early for brush fires, there wasn't a storm today, and you'd have to be a goddamn idiot to be using your fire place tonight. So what the fuck, man?

Today is a paranoia day, if you hadn't of already guessed. Something tells me I won't be able to sleep tonight out of fear my house will burn down. Ha.

Oooh, helicopter.

Anyway, work was shitty. I spent my fifteen minute break eating Skittles and trying to convince myself that scraping my arm w/my bracelet clasp is a bad idea. I shouldn't have to argue w/myself over things like that. I should just know not to do them.

I didn't do anything, by the way. I was good. And thank god I don't carry a razor blade anymore. Bad times, yo.

I can't exactly pinpoint what was wrong tonight (can I ever?), but I think it had to do w/people. Sorry I can't be more specific. It's just...sometimes I will look at someone and wonder when they're going to die and who will care. And I think about the hurt. And I think about death until I feel so goddamn helpless I just want to curl up in a ball and, well, die.

The old people are the worse. This one lady could barely stand up cuz she hadn't fully recovered from a stroke. She was so nice and I offered to help her out to the car, but she wouldn't let me. I looked at her books and wondered if she would live to read all of them. I'll do that in grocery stores, too. I'll see someone buying a jar of spaghetti sauce and wonder if they'll live to eat it. I don't know why I think like this. It fucks me up.

I can't even explain this right. The only way to put this simply is: I think about people too much.

OK, forget it. New subject.

I saw that boy again. You know, the one that will bear my children if I was going to have children, which I'm not, so that really foxy boy who comes into the library a lot. I think I'll call him LBC cuz that makes me think of Snoop. And anything that makes me think of Snoop is a good thing.

So, yeah. I saw him today. I looked up from checking out someone's book and he was looking at me. When he saw me oogling him, he gave me a smile and The Dismissive Male Head Nod. You know what I mean. Everything w/testosterone has done The Dismissive Male Head Nod. Hell, I've even seen Howie do it once or twice. Yeah, that.

How much do you want to bet that I'll never say a word to him besides the obligatory 'hello how are you thank you have a good day/night'? I'm serious. Put something on the table cuz I need motivation to talk to him.

I once told a boy I thought he was cute for a six-pack of Schlitz and a Ghostbusters mug.

It works.

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