It's nearly 4 o' clock in the afternoon, I've been awake since 9 o' clock in the morning and what have I done?

If you answered "Nothing, you lazy ass bastard," then you are correct. I have accomplished absolutely nothing today and if super weird aliens came down from some planet like Uranus and kidnapped me, Earth would not shake on its axis. Well, maybe there would be a little extra oxygen and Cheez-Its to go around, but that's hardly a drastic change to how the world works.

Oh, for fucks sake. You know how when you wear glasses, you can kind of see a reflection in the corner of the lens? Well, I just spent ten minutes trying to figure out what was reflected in my glasses. I could have just turned around and looked, but no. I had to figure it out with as little movement as possible.

It was the can opener, if you're curious.

Anyway, this afternoon a friend of mine reminded me of something.

Possessed toys.

As of this moment, I can name three times where I witnessed plaything possession. And, honestly? That's three times too many.

First incident. I had one of those Play School (it's intentionally misspelled, right? I can't remember how, though) cash registers. You know what I'm talking about. It came with those big plastic coins. Anyway, there was nothing electronic about it...no plugs, no batteries, no switches of any kind. It was just a simple plastic contraption that brought joy to lots of children. Evil joy, that is.

One day, I'm sitting on the floor of the porch, playing with my cash register. La la la. Capitalistic fun. Wee. All of a sudden, the thing starts shaking violently. I'm like "What the fuck? Mommy!" Then it starts, for lack of a better word, hopping. Up and down, staying in one place, just like Kriss Kross taught us years later. I knew it wasn't an earthquake because this was Florida and our ground stays still.

Finally, my mom comes out and sees the thing shimmying and shaking with its bad self and asks "What did you do to it?" I said "I didn't do anything!" My mom's face grew a little pale and finally she came up with the best explanation she could: "Maybe a squirrel got inside?"

Squirrel, my ASS, Mom. That was some freaky shit right there and I know she was scared, too, cuz the next day the toy was in the trash.

The next time something like that happened, I was in second grade and hanging out at my grandparent's house. I had a couple toys and books I had brought from home, including a Rainbow Bright doll. I grew tired and went to the spare bedroom to take a nap, dragging the doll behind me. Now, I usually didn't sleep with dolls because I found their heads annoying and funny smelling, but I kept the doll with me as I drifted off.

About twenty minutes later, I woke up suddenly and everything was very, very still. The only sound was my breathing. But wait. Is that just me? I held my breath and listened. Yup. Something else was breathing.

And there was not one other goddamn soul in the room. Yeah. Freaked my shit out. I somehow decided it was coming from the doll and quickly threw it in a rocking chair next to the bed. There it stayed for years and years until last May when my mom brought it home. And, yes, it still scares the hell out of me.

Finally, the most recent encounter with evil toys.

A couple years ago, my best friend gave me a talking Hulk Hogan doll for Christmas. Oh, sorry. Hollywood Hulk Hogan doll. Anyway, if you punched him in the stomach, he would say things like "Ow"* or "Is that the best you can do?"* in that creepy talking doll voice. I loved it, of course.

That night, I went to bed early cuz I was, well, shitfaced. Around 3 in the morning, I sit up, eyes wide and heart pounding, like I had just had a horrible nightmare or something. That's when I hear "I have 25 inch pythons"* coming from the darkness of my closet. It took ten of the scariest fucking seconds of my life to realize that it was the Hulk Hogan doll. But why the hell was it talking? There was nothing pressing down on it except maybe gravity or something. Shit.

Long story a little shorter, I ended up having to take the batteries out cuz no matter what I did or where I put it, the doll would not shut the hell up.

The end.

*Quotes are not exact as I have not grown sadistic enough to put the batteries back in and write down what he says.

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