My little rat died this morning. I'm OK, even though I did get kind of attached to it. It's in a better place now, though, and I know it died warm and comfortable.

Anyway, That Boy called and woke my ass up at 8:50 this morning. I would have been pissed off had I not been coming out of a drug-induced sleep. The only emotions I feel during that are blah and huh? Yeah, my neck/head area started hurting enough for me to pop some pills last night. Not as bad as before, but still crappy.

Boy became person number three to tell me that maybe if I talked/wrote about shit that was bothering me, then maybe the gremlin will die a horrible and bloody death and I'll have sweet, sweet peace. Like the secret weapon to mortally wounding the creature was never-ending bitching.

OK, then.

1. To accept something does not mean to forgive. I accepted it and no longer blame myself. There is peace. BUT does that mean I should still hate whoever was responsible? I have to live with it. So I...I don't know how I feel. Well, except for the guilt. I didn't do anything and I'm still not doing anything and no one questions why. I take this to mean they understand. I don't know. I don't want to talk about it.

2. I'm going to yank all of my hair out by the roots if people don't stop taking their frustrations out on me. I know money is tight and I know every single one of us is under pressure to Do The Right Thing, but for fuck's sake, go scream into a pillow or something. You're upsetting the duck.

3. FutureFutureFutureFutureFuture. Booze? Yes.

4. Yeah, you know you've never met another boy like him and sometimes you want him so bad it hurts, but fucking STOP IT. You're not being productive nor are you being reasonable. You see that shadowy spectre hiding behind the sofa? That's not John Denver. That's karma waiting to shank your ass. Although, you're a million times better than you were last year around this time. So yay for you. You got part of your brain functioning again. Anyway, focus on making out with Jimmy Fallon. Cuz that is SO going to happen.

5. What if they remake Rebel Without A Cause and have some asshole play James Dean's role?

OK, so that last one wasn't exactly vague, but what if? You know there are scores of actors wetting themselves in anticipation of getting the part. In fact, I believe Jason Priestley has had a constant woody since first thinking that maybe he could be Jim Stark in a remake. This is a serious worry of mine. I read somewhere that they were planning it and now I'm fretting.

Anyway, I need to shower and forage for some lunch. As much as I enjoy them, Reese's Peanut Butter cups for breakfast and lunch just isn't healthy.

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