As you have probably gathered from reading this journal, dreams have a rather, um, intense effect on me. The feeling from a good dream can last long after I've woken up and the feeling from a bad dream can ruin my fucking day.

And the dreams with K are the most affecting of them all.

Last night was a crappy dream and I'm not sure how I feel right now.

The little details are hazy, like what colors I was wearing, any objects in the background of the action, or what songs were playing. I wish I was the kind of person who remembers every single detail so I could pretend that I actually believe in common symbolic translations and maybe twist the meanings or whatever into something that helps me get through the day.

And...exhale.

But I think it's time I admit to myself that a dream is a fucking weird creature and I shouldn't accept the first interpretation I come across.

Hey, can you tell that I am dreading the part where I describe last night's dream, but honestly know that I should so it seems less real and I can stop that constant feeling in my chest like I'm about to start crying?

Yeah.

Again, he was dead. He is always dead, at first.

I ended up trying to call his house and his cell phone because somehow I knew he was back. I couldn't get through. Instead, there was a recording of his voice ranting about something involving the words "government" and "conspiracy" and then the line went dead. I called several times and each time, got the recording.

I knew he was back and it was fucking killing me that I couldn't get a hold of him.

Then someone told me they had been there when he died and described it to me.

What's weird is I never actually found him, but my memories of him would manifest like one of those hologram things they have in science-fiction movies. "Seeing" him like that made not being able to find him hurt even more.

I don't know. Like I said, I'm not sure how I feel right now. Kinda sick, kinda tired, kinda sad. I don't fucking know.

Oh, but I do know that I really don't want to work tonight.

God, what a shitty entry.

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