We will not discuss how I managed to get one hundred dollars in debt.

We will, however, discuss how I went to the beach twice in a twelve hour period.

First, Jen and I had our Beach Thursday and we saw some sea gulls doing it. Note the italics. Yeah, I'm talking bout the sex. SEA GULL SEX.

Also, despite the rather artistic layout of my tan lines, I will not be getting nekkid in front of anybody anytime soon. The contrast is just too great and I fear that the person's eyes would malfunction while trying to adjust.

Second, May and I went to the beach at night and stared at some stars. We briefly discussed getting some binoculars to see if we could find some people doing it in the condominiums, but we're broke. So no voyeurism. Drag.

Later, we talked about how, not only has no one ever been in love with me, but it's been quite awhile since anyone has even had a crush on me. Well, OK, I talked about it and May just shook her head. We're cool like that.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this a bit cuz I'm, like, the only person at work who is not in a relationship. I do not care about that fact, right, but my thought process somehow ended up with "No one even has a crush on you, dude." That sorta bothered me.

May tried to be helpful and brought up the library patrons. I said, "Like who? Tiny Dancer? Mr. Creepy? They don't count." "C'mon," May said. "There has to be someone." "Oh," I responded. "You mean like the guy from the group home."

And then the library patron idea was dropped. Quickly.

Blah.

Hey. You know who I have a crush on? Your mom. She's pretty damn cute, man. Hook a sister up.

I think it would be a wonderful idea to pay someone money/sex/cookies to follow me around with a cattle prod and poke me when I start rambling. It would be even better if this person were Ray Liotta cuz then it would be kinda sexy in a painful way.

Just like you, baby.

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