Broke down.

Turned on the TV at six in the evening. Spent three hours staring at the screen searching for a boom mike or sly ad placements.

Three days later and the credits still haven't rolled. Is this really happening?

For some reason, I can't remember one thing about yesterday. Well, I have memories of what occured Wednesday, yet I don't believe I actually experienced the events that led to those memories. I know my good friend had her baby. I know I went to the store to buy sweet potatoes. I know that once I finally turned the TV off around 4am, it became too quiet and I felt like the house was closing in on me.

I feel like I'm on another plane of existance, watching this all unfold from a seperate reality.

Reality. Fuck.

I'm infamous for always wanting the whole story, asking questions and demanding answers. Maybe that's why I can't stop watching TV, listening to the radio, reading every paper I can get my hands on. When I'm naive, I feel helpless. I must know everything. It's fucking sick but I have to know exactly what happened. It'll destroy me but I won't or can't stop.

I almost had a real cry today. When I heard about the vigil at the bridge on the bay, I thought about how a whole nation of people is essentially feeling the same thing right now...sorrow. Yes, some are more venegeful and some are more scared...some don't even know what the fuck they're feeling. Each reaction differs w/each person yet every single one of us is feeling sorrow. Don't tell me differently cuz I don't want to hear it. It is making me feel better, the amount of unity I feel when hearing about the memorials, vigils, dedications. In the wake of catastrophe, the goodness of humanity prevails.

I'm not going to think about how ugly this may turn. I'm not going to think about the people crying for blood. I'm not going to think about the innocent children being spit on because their skin is too brown.

I am not going to think about war.

So it's almost 2:30am and I am eating cookies in the shadow of a storm. I'm not sure how worried I'm supposed to be since the meteorologists can't make up their minds on just where this storm is heading, when exactly it will strike land and if it will be a hurricane. The National Weather Service says tropical storm force winds will reach us around 4am. I think I believe them.

Damn good thing I can't sleep tonight.

The biggest threat is flooding. I'm worried about the winds. I've seen what wind can do. Water just makes things wet (yeah, yeah, I know...). Wind knocks things down and carries people away. As soon as I can do so w/out interrupting the parent's slumber, I am bringing in the animals from the porch. Right now, there are 5 rabbits, a chicken, and an iguana (the duck sleeps in a small pen in my living room since his 'brother' was a rooster and would bother the neighbors in the morning if kept outside...now, he's used to being in my living room at night and my duck *must* always be happy). Some of their cages are too big to move and too big to fit in my house so I have to make temporary homes. I also have to bring in the feed bins and put a bunch of hay in garbage bags. I must move furniture around and make room for the cages I *can* move to the house.

Lots of physical work. And I will find more physical work so tomorrow night I will actually sleep, aching muscles and all.

Aw, fuck it. As soon as I hear the wind howl and the window panes shake, I am getting my animals. They need me.

Someone once said that when I'm faced w/a situation that I don't want to talk about, I will start rambling about one or more of my pets. Usually my duck. Pretty fucking observent.

Must go stare at the weather radar some more.

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