I saw a baby today.

And I held her.

I've never held a baby before, so this is a rather big milestone in my life.

My friend from Georgia came down this weekend and invited me over to meet the baby. So today my mom and I hopped in the car and drove an hour and a half in post-NFL game traffic to her parent's house.

We when finally arrived, the baby was eating and making strange cat noises from under her blanket. This was fine by me, since I knew the longer she fed, the less of a chance I would have of holding her.

Babies frighten me. Not because they are a manifestation of an organ that I possess, and not because they are strange little humans. Ever since I took AP Psych. in high school, I have had this overwhelming fear that something I could do in the presence of a baby would warp him/her for life. Look at Little Albert. So whenever a friend or friend's sister gave birth, I would always keep my distance and make the appropriate 'Ain't he/she cute?' comments from the doorway.

Unfortunately for my security, babies seem to really like me. I'll be standing behind a mom w/a newborn peeking over her shoulder at the grocery store and all of a sudden, the baby starts grinning and reaching for me. This happens a lot, everywhere. At first, I thought it was some weird baby conspiracy to freak my shit out. Then my friend pointed out that between my brightly dyed hair and the rhinestones I always wear, I'm very appealing to small children. OK. Makes sense. But still....

Anyway, you can imagine my fear when the baby stopped feeding. My friend's mom picks her up and walks over to me. Before I can say 'No! I'll warp her!' she plops her down on my lap.

Since I couldn't go 'Ack!' and toss her onto my mother's more experienced lap, I slowly raised my hand and waved at the child drooling on my jeans.

'Yo,' I said.

The baby looked up and bared her gums at me. Then she started grabbing at my rings and bracelets.

At a loss for words, I say, 'What's up?'

She giggled.

'What? You think I'm funny-looking or something? You're pretty funny-looking yourself, baby,' I said.

My friend and my mom laughed at my awkwardness. Assholes.

Then the baby started making cat noises again and I made them right back at her. We conversed in this manner for awhile, before she tried to grab my boob.

'Dude,' I said. 'We just met.'

Thank god my friend has a sense of humor.

This went on for awhile before my fears started taking over and my mom rescued me.

For the rest of my visit, all us former 4-Hers told sordid tales of summer camp and watched Nascar races on the TV. My mom walked around the house, singing to the baby and letting her drool massive amounts onto her new sweater.

I hope today hasn't rewound her biological clock. I'm still pretty sure I don't ever want to breed, and I don't want her starting the 'When will I be a grandma?' crap.

Granted, my friend's baby is beautiful and wonderful and amazing, but I still don't think I would ever make a good mother.

I call babies 'dude,' for Christ's sake.

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