K - 11.20.01 - 12:08 am

This is for me.


Hey you. So it's been a whole year, hasn't it? One fucking year and my heart still tightens when I write your name. Will this ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to write you a note w/out breaking down after four sentences? Look at me. Isn't time supposed to heal and dry your tears? I can't stop thinking that exactly one year ago at this exact moment, you were planning on dying. Maybe you already had the rope tied and I can't even finish this. What were you thinking at this exact moment, one year ago? Did you try to call me only to get a busy signal? Could I have stopped you? Could ANY of us stopped you? What the fuck, K. We've all wanted to die sometime in the past seven years. Hell, some of us have even tried. Except a well-timed phone call or a moment of enlightenment or coincidence stopped us and we're still here. Unlike you. Didn't you think that the reason you didn't succeed at first was because YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE YET? No. Instead you pulled and pulled and now you're gone. Fuck you, K. I miss you so goddamn much and I still find myself dialing your number when I just need someone to talk to. The dreams have tapered off and your voice is fading from my memory, but I still think about you every day. I'm actually grateful that the last time I saw you was the night you guys left for California. Hugging two of my oldest friends goodbye at midnight then going to my room to sob and listen to Leaving on a Jet Plane over and over again. Something ended that night, I just didn't know what. But then you came back, saying something about Florida having a terrible hold on you. Except I was still angry about that night in August and I wouldn't see you. I still feel horrible about that. We were both fucked up (physically and mentally) and I shouldn't have gotten so mad. And I still can't stop thinking about what would have happened if I had just gotten over myself and dated you. Would things have turned out the same? I know it didn't work when we were 11, but who knows, right? Oh, god, I just want you back. Why did you do this, K? Is the guest list in heaven really that cool? Hell, you have Joey Ramone and Ken Kesey now to drum for and take acid with, respectively. Please tell me you're having fun and are OK. Please tell me you knew what you were doing and this all fits into the circle of life (I know you're singing that song now, you geek. Stop it.)

I love you, K.

I miss you.

Take care.

-love, M

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