You wouldn't let us.... - 04.02.02 - 11:47 pm

I went to the graveyard, tonight. (Yeah, that means that this won't be a happy! happy! happy! entry.) This is the first time I've been there w/May since she's returned from New York.

May was also very good friends w/K. After he hung himself, the two of us leaned on each other in the months that followed. She never complained when I'd call her at some ungodly hour, saying I just had a dream about him, can we go to the graveyard? I never complained, either, when she made the samen call to me a few nights later.

She hears the footsteps, too, and helps me look for signs that he's still around.

She was the first and only person I let myself cry in front of after he died.

May has been in New York for the past 5 months cuz things were bad and we all like to go to New York when things get bad.

She had talked to her sister in Buffalo about K; gradually filling all the details about him and his death. When May mentioned the cocaine, her sister said "coke depression."

Apparently, coke causes the worst depression out of any other drug. May's sister told her about all these people slicing their wrists or sucking on a gun barrel after going on a coke binge. Then I remembered my dad, sitting w/me in the diner three days after K died, telling me about his friends who committed suicide.

"Then there was Jonny. Great hockey player. He always had an eight ball on him. Martha, too. She threw herself in the gorge."

I've only had one experience w/coke and all I remember was a fast heartbeat and kicking ass at Tetris. This was many years ago (when I still thought drugs were cool, man) and I cannot remember the after-effects.

Yet I believe May's sister.

Shit, I'd believe May's sister if she said that boys named K have a higher chance of killing themselves, especially in the fall, and did he have green eyes? Aw, hell, there's your reason.

"Coke depression."

I'll take any answer to "why?" I can long as we can't blame ourselves.

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