Have you ever wished that your tongue was a quick as your mind and the perfect response to the situation flies out like a bullet right when you need it? Yeah, me too.

Vicky, May, and I went to the diner tonight. We saw someone we went to high school with and she came over to talk to us for a bit. While I was gesturing wildly about some stupid thing, she noticed the tattoo on my wrist.

"Did you get a tattoo?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"What is it?"

"A date."

"Oh...11, 20...."

"2000"

"What's it for?"

"It's the day a friend died." She looked puzzled for a bit, probably trying to link me with one of many dead people.

"Oh, yeah! The guy who hung himself. What was his name? I want to say K."

"Yeah."

Then she said, "I heard he tried to call everyone he knew and no one would come over."

"No. He called one person and that person had no way to get over there," I shot back. "Or that's what I heard."

Thankfully, she didn't say anything else except possibly "it's so sad" or some equally cliched thing, and was gone in less than a minute.

OK, that was insensitive, right? I mean, why the fuck would you say something like that to a table of people you know knew him? It's not like we're friends of a friend who enjoy hearing all those rumors about guitar strings and timing. I have the day he died tattooed on my goddamn WRIST. And she said it so casually, like commenting on the fucking weather.

Jesus.

Anyway, enough of that. I'm probably overreacting. Maybe.

So, yeah. I was talking to Vicky and May about my upcoming birthday and what I should do for it. I still have no idea, but that is not relevant to the story. I mentioned that people were starting to ask what I wanted for my birthday. Besides the usual booze, guns and man-whores, there's nothing I really need, but people seem intent on getting an answer out of me. Vicky said something about asking for a pony. I replied, "Actually, I was thinking of asking for Jimmy Fallon. Shit, I can ride them both."

Rim shot.

Except it came out more like "I can both them ride" because I am totally inept at the fine art of proper sentence syntax and most of my jokes come out mumbled and partly gibberish. I rule.

Thankfully, Vicky and May's brains have adapted to the point of automatically fixing my speech and I didn't have to explain anything.

Oh! And May gave me my new favorite phrase: That's ass rocking.

Yeah, I need to get to bed.

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