Maybe if I use bribery - 07.15.03 - 12:13 am
Look!

OK, this will be the last time I fretfully ramble about the play. I triple fucking swear to you. Honest.

I can add my friend, Jen, to the list of people who cannot attend. I suck cuz I knew this months ago but I never made the connection between PLAY DAY and JEN IN MASSACHUSETTS until tonight when I called her to see if she was coming.

Ha ha ha...Jesus. I'm usually OK with being on my own, but I'm kinda sorta nervous and I can't ask strangers to calm me down by making out with me. Well, I can,, but that's not important. Besides, there's no way in hell I can sneak in as much booze as I will need for the talk back segment. It will have to be a GROUP EFFORT.

And I truly do know that Jerkface lives kinda far away and it's a Monday and I meant it when I said I wasn't going to flat-out ask him to be there cuz I know how much of an ordeal it would be to get here and I don't want to expect him. Yeah, I'm being rational and understanding and all that shit. But, dude, I kinda really want him to be there and am somewhat tempted to threaten a shanking if he doesn't defy logic and good sense by showing up. Like I said: far away, Monday, traffic, I don't even know if he has a fucking car, come to think of it. Right. I don't want him there. Not at all.

Hey. I never noticed that I bite my lip when I lie like a little fucker. Fancy that.

Anyway.

So I'm starting to think that when Howie gives me duck kisses, he's really just testing to see if I'm edible yet. All together now...AWWWW.

I just typed out a work story, but it was pretty boring and it kept getting longer and longer so I smushed it.

Tonight dragged and we were pretty fucking busy, too. People suck, but I seem to have blocked out everything that happened tonight to support that statement.

Oh! Good news! Someone has drugged one of the Short, Hairy And Angry Men! There's like a group of four men who are all short, hairy and angry. I used to throw "drunk" in there, too, but only two are constantly hammered. Anyway, the craziest of the bunch has been so docile lately, I'm somewhat reminded of an uglyass lamb. I thought he was just like that with me and two of my supervisors cuz we either gave him shit right back or showed him no emotion whatsoever. No! He's now like that with EVERYBODY. I no longer fear his arrival. Rock.

I'm sleepy.

Edited to say: What the fuck? OK, after I wrote that, I went into my room to smoke a cigarette and listen to the radio. Cuz that's what I do, smoke cigarettes and listen to the radio. I swear I was alright. Hell, I'm still alright. It's just...I heard a song, OK? It reminded me of things. Sad things. The thought registered in my brain just like seeing an obscure actor in a commercial and then saying, "Oh, he was in Some Movie." Or maybe smelling Lysol and thinking about your first job. I don't know. What I'm trying to say is I didn't really feel anything and I didn't get upset. When the razor blade was between my finger and my thumb and then one, two, three, I had no fucking clue why I was doing what I was doing. I still don't know. It just happened and now I have three perfectly straight red lines on the inside of my elbow. I FEEL FINE. So why the fuck am I doing this shit?

I really need to get to sleep.

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