OK, I think I am calm, albeit still slightly freaked out. I mean shit, man, there was a goddamn ALLIGATOR in HOWIE'S swimmin' pool. My mom was minutes away from bringing Howie outside and the first thing he does in the morning is swim. We had a badass storm last night with crazy winds and the alligator just looked like oak branches at the bottom of the kiddie pool. Had my mom not seen the water ripple and had she not decided to poke around in there with a big stick and had she not revealed a goddamn ALLIGATOR at the bottom...dude, I don't even want to think about it.

No.

And, you know, if the welfare of my duck (or any of the animals) wasn't involved, I would be so fucking excited. Like maybe if it showed up in the garage or toilet or something. I'd be like, "Holy fuck, dude! There's a GATOR in the SHITTER!" And then I would take lots of pictures, call everyone I know and possibly have a kegger in honor of the alligator where we would tell epic tales of reptilian triumphs and possibly lose fingers or penises. It would be fucking neat, man.

It's just...OK. You know how I mentioned reaccuring alligator nightmares? Yeah, well, this morning was the nightmare. No, wait. I lied. If Shoe had joined Purse in the pool, then that would be the nightmare. Multiple alligators in Howie's pool, pond, bathtub, etc. and they're all trying to get him. So, this morning was Nightmare Lite. But still! How often do bad dreams actually come true? Especially the ones that make up the majority of your nightmares? And involve shit like alligators and ducks? This is just weird. Like, really fucking weird and I don't like it.

In the words of Jerkface, "Man, it's like someone really wants to fuck with you."

Anyway, the alligator is back in the lake. His little friend, Shoe, was waiting for him and I was, like, "They're in love!" And my mom just shook her head at me. Later, she told me that she witnessed Purse frantically swimming away from an irate anhinga. All she could see was the bird's head sticking out of the water and alligator legs paddling as fast as they could away from it.

That makes me feel a little better.

OK, May and I are going to the diner to smoke cigarettes and mutter about the non-smoking law.

Maybe we'll eat some ice cream.

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