The story behind The Super Fun Road Trip With My Mom- One of my very good friends moved up to Georgia to go to school. A year ago, on the 12th, she had a kid. So that means the kid turned one last week. I hope that me pointing that out wasn't needed, right? Right. There was a party and my mom and I were invited. Not being one to turn down a party, I was all hell yeah, let's go, Mom! So we went. I had to be at work the next day, so we couldn't stay overnight. This is important. Remember it. Everything below, excluding the captions, was written on the road. Like Kerouac, but not as cool or brilliant.
6am- You hate me, Jesus. You hate me, too, Mommy. Everybody hates me and I just want to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. I HATE YOU. And you.
Too tired to properly rock out. The shame.
7:17- A gas station. I am not sure of the name cuz the sign is behind me and I'm too lazy to turn my head. This is also the gas station that changes its name, like, once a week, so it would be pointless to commit this name to memory. Ha. Whoa. Fumes. Now I want a cigarette.
7:45- OK, I suck and have no spine or morals or dignity. I bought a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit without the bacon from McDonalds. I have read Fast Food Nation. I know Mcdonalds suckles on the devil's teat. But, goddamn, I really wanted a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit without the bacon. Oh, but wait! Listen to this shit: they only charge you 99 cents if you get it without meat. That's, like, a whole dollar off. Fucking right, man. How cool is that?
I have sinned. Frugally.
9:00- Holy shit. The Whitman's Candy Outlet Store is at the next exit. Oh, yes. My mom is pulling off the interstate. Oh, wow.
9:20- I have found nirvana.
9:24- I just say a billboard that said something like "He is such a dumbass" with a bunch of names underneath. It was in the trees, so I couldn't catch it. I may be hallucinating, though. I do that a lot.
9:50- Holy mother of fuck. Traffic on I-75 North has completely stopped. I just got out of the truck and walked up the center line to see if I could find out what was going on. Nobody knows for sure, but I think someone is selling cans of soda out of their Winnebago. Yes, they are. How nice. My mom mentioned what happened just the other day on Alligator Alley, so maybe that's what's going on. Another one of those new-fangled terrorist scares. Fuck this. I'm going to climb on top of the truck and see if I can tell what's going on.
Forever 23, my ass - 01.25.06
P-Nutz - 01.20.06
My nose hurts - 01.16.06
And really bad eggs - 01.13.06
I ain't no Alex Trebek - 01.11.06